Wardrobe Malfunction Alert

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION ALERT!

A few days ago I was presenting my last class on Islam trying to make connections between European Colonialism, the long occupation of Algeria, the surge of Algerians into French culture, and finally some of the unique challenges France faces today in the Islamic community. After presenting a few clips from both sides of the “European Islamophobia, debate” and asking students to write a journal entry on what was most provocative, stimulating or educational about the last four weeks of their study, I was ready to “wrap up” our short introductory course. Putting my books away, a student came up to me, looking as though she wanted to actually whisper something private. She did. “Professor, your fly is open.”

I first tried to remember if she said she worked in a senior care center, as the discreet message seemed like something a seasoned nurse would tell an old man. But in any case, I dashed up two flights of stairs, student papers covering up any embarrassment, and finally found the culprit…a 1 ½ wide zipper expansion, but thank heavens for colored under ware and long shirt tails. I returned to the classroom for an Act II of the same Lecture, but now, more knowingly confident that I was not exposing young minds to needless guffaws.

But then, do guys have wardrobe malfunctions very often? Is it old age that keeps the zipper from returning to the top position? It seems that the young and beautiful goddesses of Hollywood and TV Land are the most prone to the malfunctions, with straps breaking, or buttons revealing either the color of panties, or in Britney Spears’s case, actually no panties. Most of the accidents reveal one nipple, but in my quick survey of these types of fashion bloops, I don’t recall any two nipple faux pas.

Guys live for these female accidents, as all guys would probably admit, from pre adolescent to geezer. These are what guys live for, for that ultimate moment of being in the beautiful right place when something snaps and the world is perfect for a second or two, but for the guys who don’t have the paparazzi around, well, it’s just more of a failure to return the zipper to the starting position. I have wondered if this is a special subcategory in the DMV IV manual of psychiatric disorders, but perhaps it’s just part of our multitasking world that we live in, that we forget to check how we appear to others when stepping out into the public.

If we quickly take a gaze across the thousands of internet links on “wardrobe malfunction,” one could begin to imagine that clothing manufacturers were actually conspiring to have their attire featured on the latest gossip news. It’s not just thin shoulder straps, as I’ve seen or heard of shoes flying off feet in the middle of a crucial “Dancing with the Stars” number, or when some of the most beautiful models in the world, slip and slide down a highly polished stair case as they are aspiring to win Miss Universe, or something like that. Of course pratfalls in high heels don’t quite constitute wardrobe malfunctions, as that’s more of hardware than a software problem.

Knowing that I was going to be reported to the University Morals Police, I quickly confessed to my colleagues in order to have the report on file before any students began filing reports on their own internet gossip networks. Little did I realize that wardrobe malfunctions have happened more often than I would have ever expected. One professor wrote back when she remembered an incident in junior high when all the buttons on her blouse popped off like a popgun. What she remembers the most are the two evil boys in the back who yucked all afternoon. Another professor recalled a “teaching moment” when her half slip just slipped off her body into a lovely pile of lace around her shoes. And a guy has just confirmed that I do not have early Alzheimer’s when he reported that he taught a whole day of composition classes with his zipper unzipped for all to ponder. By the way, one professor offered the best coping technique when finding out one is blowing in the wind. Simply pirouette, look down, zip everything back in place, turn, and wait for the catcalls from the classroom. That seems reasonable. But to clarify, don’t catch any skin down there as that might result in a more dramatic and unexplainable situation, otherwise known as the “There’s Something About Mary” syndrome.

Yet in an odd sort of way, perhaps this is the reverse of what will happen soon on campuses all across the country this spring, when we’ll see more and more from both the top and behind, as I’ve unfortunately witnessed far too much to keep my mind on some intellectual or theoretical concept. On these spring days and soon to be summer days, we’ll see more than we can ever see in one balmy afternoon than we’d ever see from the occasional malfunction. But perhaps the most amusing incident comes from a now long gone faculty member who howled and howled with delight when she recalled one summer outdoor class when a young man in Bermuda shorts forgot to put on anything underneath. Perhaps we can all agree that might be the most eyebrow-raising wardrobe malfunction of all time.

So all of this has some meaning, doesn’t it? The world is becoming unbuttoned, unstrapped, unzipped, un-slipped, un-shoed, and even slightly under-dressed. Early visions of the senior care home? Let’s hope not, but it does remind us of how little material remains between the skin we cover, and the skin which brings a smile to all of us, either an embarrassing one, or a hoo-rah for others. So everybody, before we step out into the public, let’s check our straps, laces, buttons and zippers for who knows who’s out there dreaming of our personal nightmare.